---
title: "We keep fighting: how couples learned to talk again | Vimeundwa"
description: "Fighting is normal. Fighting the same fight for years wears a marriage down. Couples who changed how they argue tell you what changed."
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"og:description": "Fighting is normal. Fighting the same fight for years wears a marriage down. Couples who changed how they argue tell you what changed."
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"og:title": "We keep fighting: how couples learned to talk again"
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> Index of every page on this site: [llms.txt](https://vimeundwa.upeo.ai/llms.txt)
# We keep fighting: how couples learned to talk again
Fighting is normal. Fighting the same fight for years wears a marriage down. Couples who changed how they argue tell you what changed.
*[Photo: Diva Plavalaguna / Pexels](https://www.pexels.com/photo/5711598/)*
## What couples told us
### **How many named this challenge**
**44%**
*44% of 529 people who described a hard season named communication or constant fighting as one of the main challenges.*
Based on 529 responses · updated 13 November 2026 · [How we count](https://vimeundwa.upeo.ai/methodology)
### **What helped most**
*Asked what helped most, the most common answer was nothing helped (24% of 232).*
**Show the numbers**
| **Answer** | **People** | **%** |
| --- | --- | --- |
| Nothing helped | 56 | 24.1% |
| Pastor, imam or faith leader | 40 | 17.2% |
| My family | 39 | 16.8% |
| Friends | 30 | 12.9% |
| Professional counsellor | 16 | 6.9% |
| Mentor or older couple | 16 | 6.9% |
| Elders | 16 | 6.9% |
| My spouse's family | 11 | 4.7% |
| Online groups or social media | - | Hidden (fewer than 10) |
| A book, course or seminar | - | Hidden (fewer than 10) |
| No one | 0 | 0% |
| Other | 0 | 0% |
Based on 232 responses · updated 13 November 2026 · [How we count](https://vimeundwa.upeo.ai/methodology)
### **What did not help**
*The thing people most often said made it worse: silent treatment (51% of 232).*
**Show the numbers**
| **Answer** | **People** | **%** |
| --- | --- | --- |
| Silent treatment | 118 | 50.9% |
| Friends or family taking sides | 89 | 38.4% |
| Involving too many people | 81 | 34.9% |
| Threatening divorce | 80 | 34.5% |
| Social media | 33 | 14.2% |
| Leaving home | 30 | 12.9% |
| Revenge | 28 | 12.1% |
| Other | 0 | 0% |
Based on 232 responses · updated 13 November 2026 · [How we count](https://vimeundwa.upeo.ai/methodology)
## How they built through it
*Illustrative photo - not the couple in this story. [Photo: Terrillo Walls / Pexels](https://www.pexels.com/photo/2230028/)*
**Married 3-5 years · Money · Together today**
### [One of us left home in our first 5 years - and we're still together](https://vimeundwa.upeo.ai/stories/one-of-us-left-home-in-our-first-5-years-and-we-re-still-together-4a7a1d)
We have been married for 3 to 5 years. Ours is a church marriage. We have two children together. We live in Nyanza.
**Both spouses' sides**
*Illustrative photo - not the couple in this story. [Photo: Andres Ayrton / Pexels](https://www.pexels.com/photo/6578776/)*
**Married 11-20 years · We keep fighting · Together today**
### [Job loss or business failure nearly ended our marriage in year 14. Here's how we built it back](https://vimeundwa.upeo.ai/stories/job-loss-or-business-failure-nearly-ended-our-marriage-in-year-14-here-1e3c1a)
We have been married for 11 to 20 years. Ours is a church marriage. We have two children together. We live in Coast.
*Illustrative photo - not the couple in this story. [Photo: Alex Green / Pexels](https://www.pexels.com/photo/5699696/)*
**Married 6-10 years · Money · Together today**
### [Communication or constant fighting nearly ended our marriage in year 8. Here's how we built it back](https://vimeundwa.upeo.ai/stories/communication-or-constant-fighting-nearly-ended-our-marriage-in-year-8-92e13c)
We have been married for 6 to 10 years. Ours is a customary marriage. We have one child together. We live in Nairobi.
*Illustrative photo - not the couple in this story. [Photo: David Crypto / Pexels](https://www.pexels.com/photo/32103488/)*
**Married 3-5 years · Money · Together today**
### [We separated 2 times in our first 3 years - and we're still together](https://vimeundwa.upeo.ai/stories/we-separated-2-times-in-our-first-3-years-and-we-re-still-together-638ed1)
We have been married for 3 to 5 years. Ours is a customary marriage. We have two children together. We live in Rift Valley.
*Illustrative photo - not the couple in this story. [Photo: Andres Ayrton / Pexels](https://www.pexels.com/photo/6578770/)*
**Married 11-20 years · Money · Together today**
### [We separated 3 times in our first 20 years - and we're still together](https://vimeundwa.upeo.ai/stories/we-separated-3-times-in-our-first-20-years-and-we-re-still-together-0daf03)
We have been married for 11 to 20 years. Ours is a customary marriage. We have three or more children. We live in Coast.
**Both spouses' sides**
*Illustrative photo - not the couple in this story. [Photo: Thirdman / Pexels](https://www.pexels.com/photo/7236842/)*
**Married 21+ years · We keep fighting · Separated now**
### [Communication or constant fighting in year 3 of our marriage: what we learned](https://vimeundwa.upeo.ai/stories/communication-or-constant-fighting-in-year-3-of-our-marriage-what-we-l-7519f7)
We have been married for more than 20 years. Ours is a come-we-stay, later formalised marriage. We have three or more children. We live in Rift Valley.
**Both spouses' sides**
[See all 8 stories](https://vimeundwa.upeo.ai/stories?topic=communication)
## Fight fair on this
- 1Start with "I feel..." instead of "You always...". It is harder to fight a feeling than an accusation.
- 2Listen until you can repeat back what your spouse said, before you answer.
- 3Pick one problem per conversation. Old fights brought back as weapons never get solved.
[Read the Fight Fair guide](https://vimeundwa.upeo.ai/fight-fair)
## If you are not safe
Being hit, threatened or controlled is not a rough patch - it is abuse, and it is never your fault. Help is free and confidential, for women and men.
- [**1195****National GBV helpline**Free, 24 hours](tel:1195)
- [**1199****Kenya Red Cross**Free counselling](tel:1199)
[**Abuse vs conflict, and how to plan for safety**](https://vimeundwa.upeo.ai/when-its-not-okay)
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